Romantic Relationship with a Non Believer ?

Question : I am falling in love with a Non-Believer, Is God Going to be Mad at Me?

¹⁴ Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? ¹⁵ What accord has Christ with Belial? Or what portion does a believer share with an unbeliever?  ¹⁶ What agreement has the temple of God with idols? For we are the temple of the living God;

2 Corinthians 6:14-16a

           

            It is a beautiful thing to fall in love.  Every love bird knows about it.  Often the lightning strikes suddenly.  Often we can’t choose the person we fall in love to.  It’s like there is an irresistible urge to love someone.  And all the beautiful feeling, the constant smile on our face, the irregular heartbeat, the awkward emotion, the irrational behavior, the persistent daydreaming, the newfound courage that never existed before, oh all flower and chocolate and candy.  Yes it is lovely, something that is gracefully bestowed by God in heaven as part of the proper attraction between a man and a woman.  However, what we must also understand, as we appreciate God’s gift, that even this natural tendency too is contaminated by sin.  Not that God’s gift in itself is sinful, but that every fiber of our being is twisted by sin.  So what was purely good at the beginning, at the original plan, at the state before the fall, is now corrupted by sin.  So the good thing from God too can be damaging because of the fall. 
For example, sun is good, but in this fallen world too much of it on our skin might cause skin cancer.  Sun is good, but in this fallen world too much of it without enough moisture will kill plants.  And so in the same way, falling in love is good, but in this fallen world and in our sinful nature this falling in love can easily go haywire.

            The haywire can manifest in many different ways.  For example, falling in love with someone while you are married, or falling in love with a person of the same sex, or falling in love with so many people at the same time, or it looks like falling in love but actually it is self-love that in the end is disclosed as obsessive, or falling in love with someone who has a different faith, etc.  Now, we do not deal with the other kind of haywires, but in this article we will deal only with the last one.  Falling in love with someone who has a different faith seems innocent at first.  Again, the main argument is usually on the irresistibleness of falling in love.  Falling in love in itself is often seen as sinless, as innocent, as blameless, and so it doesn’t matter what it is people care only to celebrate it.  But I have to remind us at this point that even falling in love has been marred by sin.  So it is not as innocent as it seems.  The next argument is that falling in love seems to be harmless.  Its seemingly harmless feature prompts people to permit all kind of falling in love, and even give enthusiastic support regardless of its crookedness.  These two arguments are the most successful ones to persuade people to turn off the alarm of their conscience and even the alarm of the Scripture.

            Now, God warns his people through Paul in 2 Corinthians 6:14-15.  This warning is extremely important for people to heed.  Even though it is not specifically speaking about romantic relationship, but certainly romantic relationship is included in it.  I will quote it again here:

¹⁴ Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers. For what partnership has righteousness with lawlessness? Or what fellowship has light with darkness? ¹⁵ What accord has Christ with Belial? Or what portion does a believer share with an unbeliever?  ¹⁶ What agreement has the temple of God with idols? For we are the temple of the living God;

One straightforward command, five rhetorical questions, and one foundational reason.  Let us break down this argument.  The command is for believers to not be unequally yoked with unbelievers.  The analogy of yoke originated with how two cows were yoked together to plow the land.  For many farmers today this way of plowing is ancient.  Tractor has replaced cows for plowing work.  But back when there was no tractor, this method was the method.  In order for the plowing work to be effective and efficient, the two cows must be relatively equal in height, strength, and speed.  A farmer can’t yoke a newly born calf with a bull together.  Such thing is called “unequally yoked.”  A farmer can’t yoke a cow and a goat together either.  It would also be called “unequally yoked.”  This principle applies to many things.  The context here is spiritual.  And to strengthen the command, five rhetorical questions follow in successive sequence.  These questions provide greater details about the differences between the believers and the non-believers.

            The first one rhetorically asserts that there is no partnership between righteousness and lawlessness.  The Apostle John writes in 1 John 3:4-10:

⁴ Everyone who makes a practice of sinning also practices lawlessness; sin is lawlessness. ⁵ You know that he appeared in order to take away sins, and in him there is no sin. ⁶ No one who abides in him keeps on sinning; no one who keeps on sinning has either seen him or known him. ⁷ Little children, let no one deceive you. Whoever practices righteousness is righteous, as he is righteous. ⁸ Whoever makes a practice of sinning is of the devil, for the devil has been sinning from the beginning. The reason the Son of God appeared was to destroy the works of the devil. ⁹ No one born of God makes a practice of sinning, for God’s seed abides in him, and he cannot keep on sinning because he has been born of God. ¹⁰ By this it is evident who are the children of God, and who are the children of the devil: whoever does not practice righteousness is not of God, nor is the one who does not love his brother.

The believers are the righteous people who walk in the path of righteousness, whereas the non-believers are the lawless who walk in the path of lawlessness.  This doesn’t mean, however, that non-believers have no law whatsoever, for they certainly have laws to govern their lives, be it personal or communal.  But what is meant here is the Law of God as revealed in the Scripture that can only be accepted through faith that God alone can bestow.  Believers are justified as righteous because of the imputation of Christ’s righteousness as he fulfilled the Law of God perfectly.  Thus believers walk in the path of Christ, which is the path of righteousness.  This path is not believed by non-believers, and therefore their way of life is quite different than the way of life of believers.  Moreover, the non-believers’ way of life is the way of lawlessness, which is the opposite of the way of righteousness.  Two opposite ways don’t meet.  Certainly they can’t partner.  They do not create an equal yoke.  One goes to the north and the other goes to the south.  How can they be yoked together?

            The second one rhetorically asserts that there is no fellowship between light and darkness.  Jesus said in Matthew 5:14-16:

¹⁴ “You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden. ¹⁵ Nor do people light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a stand, and it gives light to all in the house. ¹⁶ In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.

The believers are the light, whereas the non-believers are darkness.  In simple observation of nature we know that when light is present, there is no darkness.  There is no darkness in light.  In the same way there is no light in darkness.  The two avoids each other.  St. Augustine pointed out that darkness is the absence of light.  The two can’t mingle.  No matter how hard we try, how much we desire it, how great our effort to bring them together, the two – light and darkness – can’t sit and dine together.  The two do not match.  Light got rid of darkness.  When darkness is present, light is absent.  They are anti-thesis of each other.  There can never be a fellowship between them.  Therefore they can’t be yoked together, can they?

            The third one rhetorically asserts that there is no accord between Christ and Belial.  Or in other words, there is no harmony between Christ and Belial.  Now, Belial or Beliar is another name of the devil, who is an adversary of God.  Theologians have also assigned the name Belial to mean the Anti-Christ.  The devil is the deceiver (cf. Genesis 3), the tempter (cf. Matthew 4), and the accuser (cf. Revelation 12), whereas Jesus is the Truth (cf. John 14:6), the protector (cf. John 17), and the advocate (cf. 1 John 2:1).  They work antithetically.  What Jesus does is the exact opposite of what the devil does.  When Jesus lived on earth, the devil continued to launch attacks on him.  And in the end he cunningly murdered the innocent Son of God.  The two can’t live peacefully with each other.  There is no harmony between them.  Jesus brings about the message of repentance.  The devil on the other hand persuades people to rebel against God.  Yoking them together is impossible.  It will never happen.  Consequently, their followers too can’t be yoked together.

            The fourth one rhetorically asserts that believers have no portion to share with the unbelievers.  Psalm 73:23-26 hints:

²³ Nevertheless, I am continually with you;

you hold my right hand.

²⁴ You guide me with your counsel,

and afterward you will receive me to glory.

²⁵ Whom have I in heaven but you?

And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you.

²⁶ My flesh and my heart may fail,

but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

This psalmist of this Psalm poured out his heart to God.  He saw how the wicked thrived on earth.  He observed that the wicked prospered in the world.  So he brought his complaint to God.  But then God revealed to him the end of the life of the wicked, that they would perish without remedy.  But he, the psalmist, was comforted because God was with him until the end and into eternity.  God was his portion.  The wicked did not have God as their portion.  The two don’t share the same portion.  God is the portion of the believers.  The unbelievers have no share in God.  The believers enter into eternal life as they know God and Christ (John 17:3), whereas the unbelievers will enter into eternal death (Revelation 20:11-15).  The unbelievers do not believe in God.  They mock God.  The believers believe in God.  We glorify God.  How can the two share a portion together?  Their ends are different.  Putting them together would mean to “unequally yoke” them.  It must not be.

            The fifth and the last rhetorical question asserts that there can be no agreement between the temple of God and idols.  Here the Apostle Paul then gives the reason that is the foundation for the distinction between believers and unbelievers, that the believers are God’s temple (v. 16a).  And to support his argument, Paul quotes the Old Testament saying:

as God said,

“I will make my dwelling among them and walk among them,

and I will be their God,

and they shall be my people.

¹⁷ Therefore go out from their midst,

and be separate from them, says the Lord,

and touch no unclean thing;

then I will welcome you,

¹⁸ and I will be a father to you,

and you shall be sons and daughters to me,

says the Lord Almighty.”

(2 Corinthians 6:16b-18)

Elsewhere in 1 Corinthians 3 and 6 Paul also points out that communally and individually the believers are the temple of the Holy Spirit.  A temple is a dwelling place of God.  It must be holy.  It must be sanctified.  No unclean thing may defile the temple of God.  To bring in idols into God’s temple defiles it.  And this is extremely serious.  The first two of the Ten Commandments ordered that God’s people should never bow to idols.  For there is no other God except Yahweh.  There can never be agreement between God and idols.  The Old Testament is filled with the adultery Israel committed as they mixed the worship of idols and the worship of Yahweh.  So God had to punish them severely.  No, the two temples, the temple of God and the temple of idols, can’t co-exist.  The temple of God must remain pure.  God himself has purified his temple, and he has purified it from idols.  How can then they be yoked together?

            Now, going back to the question whether God will be mad at us if we fall in love with a non-believer.  I do not think that God would be mad if we fall in love in unbeliever.  But I believe he will be sad and mad at the same time if we care not of his warning and pursue to be yoked together with unbelievers.  And for sure seeking union in marriage with an unbeliever falls under that category.  The sadness of God is due to the fact that yoking ourselves together with unbelievers will only result in our suffering.  And the impact does not stay in our personal suffering, but also in the suffering of others as well.  For example, our kids, our fellow brothers and sisters, our family and relatives, and also other people.  And furthermore, the corruption will enter into God’s church.  This corruption will not be tolerated by God.  He will be angry and he will warn his church.  This implication is huge.  But I will focus on the context of romantic relationship and marriage as the point of our discussion in this article.  Nevertheless, bear in mind that the impact is not just on our personal life, but on the life of others as well.

            Now, with the warning from God about being unequally yoked together with unbelievers, how could we desire to stay in the unequal yoke?  Such arrangement will tear us apart.  It will depress our soul.  It will torment our spirit.  Imagine every Sunday you wish to go to church to worship the Lord, but your spouse says no.  He/she might say yes at one time, but you can’t stop being curious whether your spouse is saying yes just to please you, or just to avoid confrontation, without any desire whatsoever to actually worship God.  I do not undermine God’s ability to convert your spouse in any way.  He can if he wishes to do so.  But he might not.  When Paul warns the Corinthians in 1 Corinthians 7:12-16, he speaks in the context of an existing marriage:

¹² To the rest I say (I, not the Lord) that if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he should not divorce her. ¹³ If any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he consents to live with her, she should not divorce him. ¹⁴ For the unbelieving husband is made holy because of his wife, and the unbelieving wife is made holy because of her husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. ¹⁵ But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace. ¹⁶ For how do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?

This advice is not meant to be used as an excuse to then marry an unbeliever.  The purpose of marriage is not, and never will be or should be, to convert an unbeliever.  But there might be the case that an unbeliever married couple suddenly is shaken that one of them is converted to Christianity.  Then Paul’s advice in 1 Corinthians 7 is applicable because they did not get married knowingly that the spouse was an unbeliever.

            Why bring grief into your own personal life knowing full well of his warning?  For your spouse might also just oppose you when you desire to worship God every Sunday, and even when you desire to read your bible or to pray to him during meal.  Not to mention that your spouse might also combat you on your children’s education, belief, habits, and so on.  How could you live being torn by your own “soul mate”?  Unequal yoke throws you off your balance.  It might also drag you in agony.  Why inflict much pain on yourself when you can avoid it?  The feeling is not an indication that it should be pursued into marriage.  It doesn’t mean that the feeling is not important.  I wouldn’t undermine such feeling.  But one must be careful in acting upon it.  Especially when God himself has given a serious warning against being “unequally yoked” with unbelievers.  The question is whether you love God more than anything else?  If you do, then you certainly would choose to not pursue your “falling in love” feeling with unbelievers to the point where you can’t turn back.  It’s a dangerous path you are treading.  Before you got deeper into such difficult path, you should turn right away.

            The wise path to take is to request to God that you might fall in love only with believers.  So that you might be equally yoked.  Falling in love is in essence a gift of God.  Remember the romantic journey of Isaac and Rebecca?  Abraham sent his servant to seek only a maiden for Isaac from his own people.  Abraham did not wish for Isaac to marry an unbeliever from the land of Canaan.  Remember how Esau grieved his father and mother because he married women of Canaan, which their horrible religious practices disgusted the patriarch.  So they sent Jacob to Padan Aram in order to find a wife from their own people.  Remember God’s order through Moses that Israel ought not to intermarry with the Canaanites?  And remember also how they disobeyed and thus corrupted Israel.  Even Solomon was then corrupted because he intermarried with people who did not believe in Yahweh.  Remember also when Nehemiah saw how Israel continued to intermarry with unbelievers and thus defiled themselves?  So he then ordered them to separate themselves from their unbelieving spouses.  But oh the pain they had to go through, it was too much.  Why must you inflict pain on yourself when it is obvious right in front of your eyes that it should not be done?  After all, this is what Jesus says in Luke 14:26-33:

²⁶ “If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple. ²⁷ Whoever does not bear his own cross and come after me cannot be my disciple. ²⁸ For which of you, desiring to build a tower, does not first sit down and count the cost, whether he has enough to complete it? ²⁹ Otherwise, when he has laid a foundation and is not able to finish, all who see it begin to mock him, ³⁰ saying, ‘This man began to build and was not able to finish.’ ³¹ Or what king, going out to encounter another king in war, will not sit down first and deliberate whether he is able with ten thousand to meet him who comes against him with twenty thousand? ³² And if not, while the other is yet a great way off, he sends a delegation and asks for terms of peace. ³³ So therefore, any one of you who does not renounce all that he has cannot be my disciple.

Are we Jesus’ disciples?  If yes is the answer, then we ought to deny ourselves.  Even if it means denying this romantic “falling in love” feeling.  It won’t be a walk in the park.  It would be a struggle.  And I sympathize with you.  But I too have to warn you not to act upon the feeling of falling in love with unbelievers.  May God be with you.  Amen.